Hearts and Thoughts
by Darkfrozenmind
Summary: We all need closure to go on...not even Masterminds are exempted


Hearts and Thoughts  
  
  
  
  
"...Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away,   
Hearts and thoughts they fade..."   
Where am I going? A lost place in a lost time, an interval that took a lifetime to complete, who are you now? Who am I? I defined myself far too many times to give me a little direction, to give myself that hope that I've somewhat played with in my lifetime; only to find out that you were my hope. And I, I was your pain.   
  
I looked at him as he drove quietly, it was nice of him to accompany me.   
  
This land is foreign to him. But then again its foreign tome as well, even though I was born here. This small nameless town, that called me its son, made me its own and broke me into a million pieces, broke me till all I had left were my thoughts and a broken heart.   
  
She never defended me. She never even looked at me. A reminder of a choice went wrong, a mistake. Now I'm back to see her, that masochistic side of me prevailing, I've set myself up again for the hurting. That's all I've got in my defense, that's all I'll ever have in my life, in my heart, that stinging pain.   
  
Even if it slides into a memory, it will always be pain.   
  
I look at him again, and amuse myself by observing his calm, unwavering exterior. Such loyalty to a cause as meager as mine. A few days on and I will never be free, this is my only chance to cut the loose ends, and he's taking the chance with me. Would he and I be friends one day? Maybe, that is if i still believe in friendship, if i still believe in the facet of life that requires all of us to reach out and communicate. I'm tired of it, but maybe both of us have a chance, given a choice, we choose silence.   
  
  
  
I've only just met him.   
  
His glasses gleam against Bavarian sunlight.   
  
I shy away from the reflection.   
  
I will follow him blindly.   
  
But for today, he follows where I lead for this day is a day I claim as mine.   
  
  
  
The air was cold as usual, the coat I wore was warm enough. but when the chill comes from your bones, it is another matter. It is that reminder of lonesomeness that which none of us can escape, no matter how many people we surround ourselves with. Everyone is alone, and I will die with that thought, it's in me, I'm living it despite all the voices I hear, I'm alone. And coming back, thinking of her makes me feel more of it. She has made me realize the silence of life and the anarchy of life is one, and it starts with oneself. It ends with oneself.   
  
You taught me that Mamma, now I'm coming back to make you realize and see what I've learned from you.   
  
  
  
  
  
"I seem to recognize your face   
  
Haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it   
  
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name"   
  
  
  
He never spoke, all knowing blankness in his face, he parked the car outside a small shop, I toss my head to ward off stray hair from my face, my shoes clatter upon cobblestone, as I walk behind him, my shoulders shaking from the cold? I don't think so, shivering from anticipation and nervousness, maybe. I need a haircut, I don't want a haircut...flickering thoughts to shy away from the inevitable, He holds the door open for me and I enter, my feet echoing a thud through out the cavernous bookshop. She was the first one I saw. She was looking at something else, she always did. She never saw me.  
  
  
  
"Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...   
Hearts and thoughts they fade..."   
  
  
"Ma." That's what I called her. I the only thing I could call her. I flitted my gaze from one book to another, those resting on the counter; brown covers, molding smell, old books, and old stories.   
  
There were no lights in her blue eyes, and she but bitter tongue to keep herself from saying anything. Why, why are you holding back? Why? Am I such a disappointment that I do not deserve your words. She looked at me, stared, as if saying Yes? Now that you are here, is there something you'd like to say? I was speechless, and bowed my head and sat on the bar stool, that stance in front of her, helpless and lost hair pouring in front of me, asking her forgiveness.   
  
My head bowed and my eyes looking at the floor, catching a glimpse of him reading a book by the corner table, Adjusting his glasses from time to time. Looking at my mother and me from time to time.   
  
It wasn't the fractions or the seconds or the silence that got us, but the flying emotions we set loose upon eye contact. That connection we shared we had to acknowledge that for our sake. My cheeks they were cold, but her hand was soft against them, willing my face to raise and meet her eyes. I had no defenses against her our eyes met and I read the emotions all there. But her face remained stoic. I wanted to name each emotion but they were crowding, all held inside, cased in a fragile body of ice. We were mother and child, we understood beyond touch or words.   
  
  
  
I needed this closure; she gave me when she nodded in perfect silence. As if telling me I should at least try and rise from the confusion that has become my life. The pain was still there and her hand knew where to soothe as she patted my chest, my heart.   
  
"I love you. Nothing needs to be forgiven. I thank you."   
  
"Ma…"   
  
She put her hand on my lips, the silence was all we ever needed, the pain of separation, the bite of loneliness was all we were ever going to share.   
  
No goodbyes.   
  
"Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...   
Hearts and thoughts they fade..."   
Just breathing the same air, a parallel inhaling of two people wanting release from the memories. The finality was a mere goodbye. Standing up gently and reaching out to the scar on her cheek. That wasn't the first scar my father gave her, but it was the last…I made sure of it. Then I ran away from home. But now with the nerves relax between us and only soothing hurt around; I'll be walking away for the first and last time.   
  
No love given, no love lost.  
  
"Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...   
Hearts and thoughts they fade..."   
The bells adorning the door tinkled gently as I opened it, this time I waited for him and held the door for him. In the car we spoke of nothing. He was probably glad that the reunion was short .   
  
One glance, rimmed eyes meeting my own…"you killed your father"   
  
"He hurt my mother, I had no choice."   
  
"How'd you do it?"   
  
I pointed at my head using my middle finger, and that told him everything.   
  
I heard him swallow. I licked my lips.   
  
Something was between us now, a shared past.   
  
"We leave for tomorrow?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
I felt the wave, cold and warm at the same time…he saw my future, I read his mind.   
  
One verdict.   
  
Uncertain. It was all we could hold on to. Ma. Him. Myself. The only people I knew.   
  
Just the pain.   
  
Until it all fades away.   
  
END 


End file.
